Here's The Scoop

(Our scene begins in the backstage area of an ongoing wrestling event as we can hear the raucous sold out crowd going crazy in the stands, their chanting reaching far enough to echo through the hallways on the other side of the venue. Hallways which are strewn with posters promoting the big appearance of pro wrestling superstar Christopher “Havoc” Sabertooth on this evening's card. These posters riddle the building and ironically lead all the way to the very door labeled as Sabertooth’s VIP locker room. Following the figurative trail of breadcrumbs all the way to where he’s at is Journalist Sean Ross Sapp, who is seen excitedly talking at the door with a microphone in hand and his trusty camera man following behind.)

Sean Ross Sapp: Oh man, I can’t believe this is actually his door! Geez, they’re all going to go bonkers on reddit once I get this scoop!

(SRS knocks once again, eager to get a response. His face lights up as he can hear some movement happening on the other side. Sean is giddy as the knob turns and the door opens…only to be taken aback by the gaunt painted face and spooky eyes of CHAOS.)

CHAOS: What is it that you need you squishy midget?

SRS: Excuse me, CHAOS, uhh…I’m Sean Ross Sapp of Fightful Select and I was hoping to get a quick exclusive with Havoc to ask some questions? Is he here?

CHAOS: You wish to have MY Lord Havoc waste his breath on a filthy meat sack like you so you can use his good name to pillage more nerd shekels for your dirt rag newsletter!? He’s here but he’s not accessible to you! No, he deserves some time to himself so he can meditate and prepare for greater plans this weekend. He’s on three different shows, traveling the world to spread his dominance as your planet’s ELITE talent. A physical specimen about to deliver an awe inspiring feat and you expect to bother him with your surface level inquiries, please.

Sean Ross Sapp: Well sir, I get that he’s got a lot on his plate and I wasn’t expecting to take too much time from him. In fact, I just wanted to check in with him ahead of his big week. From my understanding, you two and Judith are in six person tag action against The Power of Incredible Violence and Hideo Shimada. I was curious about Havoc’s thoughts heading into that main event collision?

CHAOS: Pfft I would not call that match much of a collision because that suggests two equal forces ramming into each other head on. No, this is like a house fly stupidly buzzing its way into a fully accelerated hardron collider. What is even the point of looking for an answer from Lord Havoc, or anyone on our side about our thoughts on this upcoming match at Apex? What is there to think about, is the intent to see how we feel about our chances? Because if that’s the case, you are clearly too much of a mindless, drooling drone to be wasting the space surrounding our presence, let alone being trusted to control the media machine that would be siphoning our clout for precious clicks. The chances the Order of Havoc have in this match shouldn’t even be a question, it’s an answer that has been gift wrapped for you in a nice little bow at your doorstep with the delivery man beating you over the head with it as you pick it up. The result of this bout is common sense. Beyond even that, it should be an instinctive fact of life that you realize the moment you lay eyes on the match card and see who is leading us to battle. From the moment you see the lineup you know that you are witnessing a mere formality. The fact there is even any talk about how much a big, all star filled match this is feels like an insult because it suggests that there is a feeling of unpredictability surrounding this match. The way anyone can entertain that this match is not a given goes to show the sheep mentality that plagues this worthless ball of dirt and its inhabitants. You all ignore a longstanding legacy and a consistent body of work to instead latch onto a passing trend that’s had a couple of quick flashes. Instead of accepting the reality of your leader who has had a strange hold on this industry with an iron fist full of championships for years, you tune out his greatness so you can get your jollies off to a couple unproven brats that catch your fancy and make you feel optimistic for the time being.

This match is an example of why the average underling in the stands must have the attention span of a mentally impaired squirrel. It’s annoying, but to be expected. You foolish humans are very in the moment creatures, those who lust for the instant gratification of a new stimulus and hop from person to person in order to satisfy your lust for dopamine. The man at the top can only entertain you for so long until you trail off and start yearning for the rise of the court jester dancing on the side. The Power of Incredible Violence have won a couple of mid tier tag team titles in some pissant companies and a femoid brand and now they're the big time threat to be taken seriously. Then you factor in Hideo Shimada as the young lion coming out of his dojo and you have three prospects who have a chance to “sHoCk THe SysTEM” Pick up a little bit of momentum and people are ready to crown you the king of everything. But let me tell you something, tubby man.

SRS: Sean.

CHAOS: You want Havoc’s thoughts, well think on this. Lord Havoc is the greatest warrior in the history of this sport  that you and your readerbase have the fortune of getting to watch in real time. This is the man who has won almost every belt there is in OWA and carried it in its most successful financial year in history and followed it up by now being its longest reigning tag champion. He did that while branching out into half a dozen other federations at the same time. He’s won the Wrestleworld European and Shogun Championships. He represented World Wrestling Headquarters as a double champion. He was a leading man in Project Honor where he won their top titles. You could fill out an entire day-long pay-per-view with every single belt, accolade and successful defense Lord Havoc has had in his entire career and still have footage on the cutting room floor. Nobody else on the roster has held as many championships currently, or held as many championships as Havoc, PERIOD. Havoc on his own has more belts and more value than the entirety of our opposing team combined and yet here we are having a conversation about what’s going to happen on Apex Fifteen. Why don’t you tell me how you’d stack up our Supreme and Mighty against those three troglodytes? He’s got more accolades than they have career wins. He could solo their squad within the blink of an eye. Then you had his comrades to the mix? Me, the craftiest demon in the unknown realm, his second in command who will make sure he secures his victory no matter what it takes! And of course you can’t forget about our heater! The woman whose 100% pure beefcake with the shoulders of a God and strong arms that can choke the life out of a stone, I know from experience, I am of course talking about the reigning Next Level Champion! We might not see eye to eye at times but let it be known that when it comes to doing the right thing for Lord Havoc, I know we will protect each other like family! So our opponents better not be hopeful of implosion because on this night CHAOS is prepared to be right by the side of Death Mommy JUDITH as she mows through you like the insignificant ants that you are! I just gave you the rundown, Sean. The rap sheet of three unforgiving, calculated killers who won’t let each other down. Why don’t you read this over and tell your fans what they make of their predictions. I’ll tell you what though: once Sunday’s slaughter meets its end and we’re done washing the blood of our enemies off our skin, perhaps I will allow you to get one comment from Lord Havoc so you can pen a good obituary for 4.99. Now be gone…..peasant.

(CHAOS slams the door right in Sean’s face, leaving him to process all that was said. After a few seconds, he looks at his cameraman.)

Sean Ross Sapp: “Shocking comments after visiting Havoc’s locker room” how does that sound for a headline?

(End.)