I hate men and I never want to do this again.

Posts : 10 Join date : 2022-04-25

Oh em gee, I am so happy to be back on your television screens!!!

I know it’s been a while and I know that you’ve all dearly missed my presence and for that, I offer my sincerest apologies, I can’t imagine how emotionally draining it’s been for you poor, poor souls to sit and force yourself to endure the product, just hoping your saviour herself will show up. Sad

But not to worry, sweet children of mine, I’m here now, looking better than ever and ready to do what I do best - WIN!

You can applaud now, don’t hold back, I want to hear alllllll the adoration you folk have for me in your hearts, come on, I deserve it!

I know what some of you are thinking, "wait, Bea, my sweet queen Bea, didn’t you los- lo- *gag* lose, when you last showed up? Why are you acting so over the moon? Sad

"

Well let me tell you why, firstly, Bea Havertz NEVER EVER loses! I have literally NEVER lost ANYTHING a day in my life! Even if the history books unfortunately say otherwise (my lawyers are working on fixing that, it’s defamation of character to portray me as anything but a humble and victorious individual), I know deep down in my heart that I am winning in life just because I’m me and that’s more important than getting a silly championship opportunity. I’m not going to sit here and be all down in the dumps because that giant sewer rat Judith (I am not capitalising her name, that’s stupid) went on to win the Next Level Championship because I gave her the chance to do so! Out of the kindness of my heart, I allowed her to move forward and capture some gold just so she can have one moment in her miserable, depressing life where she knows what it’s like to be a winner. Everyone deserves happiness after all. You guys can’t say I’m not the most charitable person going! God, I am so wonderful, so wonderful and far too kind for my own good, it almost makes me shed a tear.

On the topic of charity, that’s why I’m actually here. I did contemplate disagreeing to returning because I can name about one hundred and seventy four things I’d rather be doing which all would be more beneficial to my name, brand and success but well, pushing back the most anticipated return in the history of professional wrestling wouldn’t be very nice of me, would it? And I’m getting paid a fat stack just to show up, ugh I love this company! Since my little tussle with Judy-Wudy, I’ve been very busy, interviews, invitations to the hottest events which all your favourite celebrities have to ask to be in, high end designers and stylists hitting me up, pleading for me to promote their items.. you name it, I’ve been dealing with it! Hell I’m still dealing with it! My life is a lot harder and stressful than people will allow themselves to accept but somehow, I manage to prevail and remain on top of everything. Gosh I am SO inspiring. It’s almost nice to return to a far more calm environment where my biggest concern is an individual by the name Kevin Maverick.

Kevin… Maverick…

Kevin… that doesn’t sound like a woman’s na-

Oh brilliant they’ve got me fighting a man!

Fantastic, that doesn’t make me want to vomit at all!

I THOUGHT THERE WAS AN AGREEMENT TO KEEP ALL DEGENERATES, SO EVERY SINGLE MALE EMPLOYED HERE, AT LEAST EIGHT FEET AWAY FROM ME AT ALL TIMES MATT, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!

Okay, okay Bea, calm down, this isn’t the end of the world. It’s okay! I can’t afford to stress myself out if I want to keep looking this perfect. This is fine. Actually, this is better than fine! Even now, after proving that I’m a multitalented icon, people still want to yap away and throw stereotypical labels at me, my feelings would be hurt if I didn’t make as much in a day as most people do in a month. Even if people don’t say it, I know what they’re thinking, they think I’m just some kind of joke! They think that it’s impossible for a beautiful, strong willed, independent and brave woman like myself to succeed without performing certain acts on those in power. It’s a good thing that I’m the one in power here, isn’t it? I’m the one who calls the shots and I’m the one who’s leaps and bounds ahead of everyone in this company, whether they want to admit that or not. There’s nothing more rewarding than proving idiots incorrect and that’s what I’m here to do. I’m here to set an example to all the little boss bitches in the making who buy my merch, beg their mommies and daddies to dress like me and support me in all my endeavours that there’s a place for everyone in this world!

So Kevin, I will let you talk your talk, or don’t (I’d prefer not to have to listen to incoherent babbling but you have a right to do what you please), I will let you believe that you have this in the bag and that I’m going to be nothing more than an easy victory for you because I truly do hate to crush the dreams of those less fortunate than myself. But when you have the pleasure of meeting me and I the displeasure of meeting you, you will learn that you just aren’t on my level. This is a woman’s world and I am centre of the universe. My hair is done and looking as voluptuous as ever, my nails are ready and sharp like the claws of a fierce lion, my game face is filled to perfection and it has been on, my mind is relaxed as I know my capabilities, my feet are ready to kick some ass and I am ready to pick up the greatest win of the century whilst donning the most dazzling smile you will all ever see.