For the longest time, Chris was afraid to look at his own reflection, afraid of who would stare back. He had hidden away all of the mirrors in his house for that reason, refusing to give Havoc any way of communicating with him or trying a way back in.
But today, he stood right in front of one. Sabertooth was lost in thought, wondering about what comes next. The camera was perfectly framed behind him, focusing on his reflection. Chris would start preparing something below the frame, while continuously staring into the mirror.
I’ve got a weird feeling in my gut. Call it intuition but I know that my life could very easily be turned upside down. The thought of running away and hiding from my fears runs through my mind every time. Life would be much easier, wouldn’t it? Not having to worry about falling into the abyss again. But somehow, this feels different. I’ve been in countless wars before. I’ve swam in a pool of my own blood. I have had to be hospitalized after walking through the curtains-- And yet, none of that had this feeling of gloom lurking in the background.
I’ve finally got my life on track… To think that one mistake could take all of that away from me is a scary feeling. I want to run away with Hana and never think about the demons of my past again. I don’t want to be reminded of who I used to be. I want to hide from my own fucking reflection because I am not sure that I know the man staring back at me. It’s gotta be Chris, right? Who else could it be? My demons have been exorcised. There’s no way he could find his way back to me. There’s no way I’d let that happen.
But it’s easier said than done. Havoc has his ways-- He’s very… persuasive. Can you even blame though? Would you refuse to have unfathomable power in the palm of your hand if that meant your freedom was a big fat lie? You know what they say. Cutting a deal with the devil has its consequences. If you think you could outsmart him, you’re dead wrong. He reads through every thought in your mind. He knows every trick in the book. There is NOTHING that gets passed him. And if you try screwing him over, only one man will have the last laugh and it won’t be you! So… is there any truth to what the rumors have been saying? Is there any truth to the fact that Havoc is still very real? That a fragment of the demon still exists in my soul. That he would jump at the opportunity of taking back control and destroying everything in his path…
Perhaps…. I just tried convincing myself that I could run away from him. If living a life of lies meant that my sanity was preserved-- I’d take my chances. I don’t want to bring any harm to Hana. I don’t want to ruin what I have. Everything I do now is to protect her. Is to make sure that she doesn’t have to go through the same things that I did. I try closing my eyes and thinking about what Havoc had done-- Thinking about what will do if he were to return. And I open my eyes hoping that the demon isn’t smiling back at me. It appears that the demon has refused to show up. But others will have you believe that Havoc was always a lie. Havoc was a coping mechanism. Havoc was my way of not taking responsibility for the vilest, grotesque shit possible. I could just do MY WORST and blame it on the fucking demon and the world would never know! Only I know what’s going on in my mind, don’t I? Apparently not, because Aren has me all figured out. He’s caught my bluff. He sees right through my facade.
Or does he? I just think that The Monarch is preparing himself for a loss. He’s going to blame it on the demon cause he clearly stated that Voin is nothing special. It’s just a figment of his imagination. So, this demon, which happens to be my TRUE identity, will be Aren’s downfall. And hey! I won’t blame him. Look what happened to Kingdom for over a YEAR! People died trying to put him away and even then they weren’t successful. Aren must not have the confidence in himself anymore. He knew that he bit off way more than he could chew. So, he already has an excuse ready. And perhaps, he’ll follow it up by trying to challenge me as Voin. Even though Voin was just a coping mechanism right?!
Sabertooth grabs a paintbrush and starts applying a red outline around his eyes.
So, I am going to give Aren EXACTLY what he wanted. I am going to be the monster he wants me to be. This is my true identity after all! I fucking love it! I can finally be myself because somebody has understood who I am. It took them a while, Aren. Could you imagine! I had been pretending to care all this time. Pretending to be afraid. Pretending like my whole life was a mess. Pretending to TAKE MY OWN FUCKING LIFE! It was all fake! I am a fraud. A phony! BECAUSE IT’S SO FUCKING EASY TO LOOK AT EVERYTHING ELSE AS LONG AS IT FITS YOUR NARRATIVE! You want to paint me as a monster-- Don’t even try. I’ll do it myself!
Sabertooth continues to paint his face in the iconic colors of Havoc. Filling up half of his face with the paint.
Now, blame me for everything he did! Blame me for being a monster! Blame me for the death of Kenny Drake. BLAME ME FOR ALL THE INNOCENT LIVES THAT I SEE EVERY DAY WHEN I TRY TO FUCKING SLEEP! IT WAS ALL ME! I DID IT! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! ARE YOU HAPPY!? IS THIS WHAT YOU FUCKING WANTED? I HAVE BEEN CARRYING HIS SINS LIKE IT’S MINE ANYWAY SO WHAT’S THE FUCKING POINT! Might as well take the blame because half of the world thinks so regardless of what I say.
My misery-- My pain is all a lie. I am a monster. I am heartless. I feel no emotions. I FEEL NOTHING…. I-I wish it was that easy. I wish I could say these things and forget about it all. Because doing so would be the easy thing to do. I have a wife now. I have a reason to be happy but I struggle daily. It’s not by choice, trust me. Sometimes, I do wish I was Havoc. I do! I won’t lie about it. Not because of the power that he possessed. No! I couldn’t give a fuck about that. I wish I could take away all the pain and suffering. I wish I could stop caring. Being a monster is easy, believe it or not. Being human is not. That’s where most of the people in this world fail. Because humanity is easily lost but hard to regain. I have been clutching at straws to keep my sanity. I want to give humanity a chance even after I was wronged time and time again. All the pain and suffering are what pushed me into becoming that monster. Yet I didn’t want to give up on myself. I never stopped wanting to be Christopher Sabertooth. And now… NOW that I HAVE that chance, people want me to go back to the way I was. Because there’s no redemption to be had in this world. People don’t care to listen.
I am sick and TIRED of telling my story. I am tired of begging for forgiveness for something I didn’t do. I just can’t catch a fucking break man. I just-- I just want to be me. Is that too much to ask? Why the fuck are you pushing my buttons knowing the consequences Aren? Do you have a fucking death wish? Because your precious Voin won’t save your ass when HE comes knocking.
Do you know what the funny thing is? Painting my face right now feels like a cathartic experience. All my emotions-- my frustrations with this world are coming out. But the craziest thing about it all is that I STILL care for this world! I DON’T want the demon back. Nobody’s fucking emotions are white or black. Everybody feels hatred. Everybody feels pain. It’s just how you deal with it. Not everybody is crazy enough to act out their frustrations and take it out on somebody else. I don’t want the world to feel my pain. Heck, I wouldn’t wish this life on my worst enemy. Aren… you’re not even on that list. I have nothing against you. Yes, being told that my whole life was life made me bitter. But that doesn’t mean I am going to act on it beyond kicking your fucking ass and beating you in the ring for the three count. That’s my goal. I have no ill will toward you or your family. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want your soon-to-be-born child to grow up without a father. It’s a difficult life to live. I have a father but he couldn’t give a shit about me. It’s the worst feeling in the world. The one place where you should feel safe and loved-- You’re told that you’re not worth the effort.
And YET, I hold on. I am not giving up, Aren. Not now. I JUST CAN’T! I don’t want to disappoint Hana. I don’t want to hurt her more than I have already. She’s been through a lot dealing with my madness. She’s had sleepless nights because of me cause I couldn’t fucking stop screaming for the voices in my head to stop!
Event Horizon will be my PPV debut. The big match that I was promised when I first stepped foot in APEX. Aren Mstislav vs. Christopher Sabertooth. A dream match anywhere around the world. I was excited! I wanted to make a great first impression on all the new fans. And now-- I am just standing here wondering if the guy I see in the mirror is the monster I am running away from. Because if that’s the life I live, then I can never get away. I can never hide. He will NEVER leave me alone. Not until my dying breath. Am I really stuck in an endless nightmare?
Truth be told, I don’t want the answers to those questions. I-- I just want to be me. So, for the love of God, please keep Havoc’s name out of this. Havoc LOVES the attention. He fucking craves it! You’re drawing him closer to me. I can feel it. It shouldn’t be possible but I know that something’s not right. Whatever it is, I hope it can all be avoided ONCE I beat you. I hope that I can move past this. I hope I can continue being Christopher Sabertooth.
Sabertooth finished painting his face, looking almost identical to The Nightmare King. There was fear in his eyes when he saw himself in the mirror. But Chris persevered. He fought through those feelings and stared right into the eyes of the man in the reflection.
I tried doing what you wanted. I painted my face just like him and now I sit here staring into my reflection. The answer is clear. The face paint is not what makes him Havoc. I may look like him, but I am not him. Neither do I want to be him. For the first time in a LONG time, I can be confident while staring at my reflection. Because the answer isn’t as simple as you think. I am not Havoc. The reflection never lies. My name is Christopher Sabertooth. And I will defeat Aren Mstislav at Event Horizon.
by MinaAizawa Thu Oct 13, 2022 3:46 am
Subject: REFLECTION 
