GUILT

Posts : 10 Join date : 2022-04-26 Age : 29

Have you ever been afraid of losing something, Aren?

Because that’s the question I have on my mind every day when I wake up. Afraid that I’ll lose the most important person in my life. Afraid that this second chance I’ve been afforded was all a fallacy. A cruel trick played by the demon. To give me everything I’ve ever wanted and SNATCH it away at the worst time. The public has always had an opinion about me, regardless of what I do. I could give away my life to save the people, yet they’ll only talk about the horrific acts committed by Havoc. Not that I have any right to ask for their forgiveness. That’s not what I am seeking either. I don’t want to please the masses because that’s an impossible feat for anyone. I am not trying to be the hero.

It took me three years… THREE FUCKING YEARS TO FIND HAPPINESS! Three years to find my own identity. I was trapped in my own body, hoping that I could break out of it. But no matter what I did, Havoc had an answer for it. He knew exactly what to do… what to say to keep me under his control. I was weak. I was broken. I wanted to give up and there have been points where I have contemplated giving it all up for good… I just couldn’t. I wanted to live. I wanted to be myself. I wanted to have my own family. I WANTED TO BE HAPPY! And as long as Havoc was in my life that would never be my reality.

Then, Nathan Fiora found an opening. He had given his life to the Lord and found great success out of it. I had no reason to believe that it’d work. But even a 1 percent chance of getting away from my demon was a chance I was willing to take. Fiora was able to exorcise my demons and give me a second chance at life. I took it and I ran with it. I was able to find love. I married that woman and I couldn’t be happier. Hana Nakajima gave me a chance when most people didn’t. I was forever destined to be the pariah. Destined to rot alone because of the sins that I had no control over. Hana saved my life. And now, I LIVE for her. I live for a family that I never thought I’d have. I can’t give up now because I have too much to lose. You would understand that, won’t you Aren? You have a baby on the way. Aria means everything to you, isn’t it? Then why would you try sending me down the dark path that I despise, knowing full well I might lose everything I have worked so hard for? How could you be so selfish? So heartless?

You talked about a dark past of your own. I have heard about Voin and what he is capable of. I also heard about you underestimating the power of the demon that plagued my life. Trust me, if it was as simple as you think it is, I would have broken free LONG AGO! But that monster… He’s something else. You know everything that happened in SSW all those years ago. You know everything that Havoc did in OWA. LIVES WERE LOST! And yet all of this is just a facade to you? Do you think I planned out a twisted plan with Kenny Drake and his family to fake his death? Do you think the irreparable damage done to the minds of those who took part in the Great War is a joke? What about Moongoose McQueen? Are you going to go stand next to his lifeless body and tell him that whatever Havoc did was nothing but smoke and mirrors? Their lives may mean nothing to you but the guilt that I carry for what Havoc did surpasses ANY PAIN this world has to offer.

You could stab me in the fucking heart and yet the pain wouldn’t compare to what I have to carry on a daily basis. Heck, I can’t even fucking sleep anymore. I close my eyes and all I see is the sins of Havoc playing out in my mind in an endless loop. I’ve been cursed, Aren. Cursed to carry this burden till my dying day. This isn’t a joke to me. This isn’t just a mask. A facade. A coping mechanism as you suggest it is. I don’t care about what Voin meant to you. Havoc isn’t just the paint on my face. I have suffered EVERY FUCKING DAY because of what he did. I can’t go down the street without someone looking at me funny knowing this face. The same fucking face that RUINED lives and I am stuck with it. Anything I ever do to fix this WON’T be enough. DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS? NO, YOU FUCKING DON’T!

And yet you push my buttons ever since I stepped foot in APEX. You made me think about those terrible times. The one talking to Echo was nobody but me. You’re trying to dig deep and get out the fucking demon that lies dormant inside me. You want me to go back to how I was. You want me to be Havoc again. YOU WANT ME TO RUIN MY FUCKING LIFE!... I can’t let you do that, Aren. I answered your open challenge because I thought you were great. I knew the legacy that you had left behind with your work and I respected you for it. But now? With every passing week, I have lost my respect for you. As a soon-to-be-father, how could you be so willing to take away MY FAMILY? Take away MY LIFE? Is that the example you want to set for your child? You’re fucking pathetic, Aren. You may call yourself The Monarch but you’re the scum of the Earth. You want to make an example out of me… You want to END Havoc for good. YOU SAY THIS LIKE I HAVEN’T BEEN TRYING THIS SHIT FOR YEARS?! MOTHERFUCKER, I WANT TO BE FREE! I WANT TO BE FAR AWAY FROM THE DEMONS OF THE PAST! I WANT TO BE CHRISTOPHER SABERTOOTH! AND YET… EVERY FUCKING BODY WANTS ME TO BE ANYBODY ELSE BUT ME!

I am not going to give in to your or Echo’s demands. I have too much to lose, Aren. I can’t afford to go back to the way I was. You may think this is all a made-up fantasy. You may think that I am lying through the skin of my teeth but I have no reason to hide. My misery was televised for the world to see and yet they showed me no sympathy. I had to EARN the respect of my peers again through my actions. I just talked about what Hana means to me and YET I was willing to sacrifice it all a few months ago when I stepped up to the tyranny of Arata Asakura and Izanagi. Why aren’t you after him? While he’s being celebrated as a world-beater and competing for the APEX World Championship, I’ve been put under the microscope for my actions that I have shown PLENTY of remorse for. Arata? He owned up to all of it. He has ZERO redeemable qualities and yet you went after me, Aren. What does that make you? You’re a bigot projecting your own insecurities with Voin onto me. We’re not alike! I do NOT want to be that demon ever again. I do NOT want to suffer the consequences of giving away my consciousness for a demon to enact revenge. So DON’T fucking push me, Aren. This won’t end well for either of us. I know that you have a lot to live for too! A father had lost his life leaving behind a young family during The Great War. I don’t want the same fate to befall the Jaxon family. Your child needs you. And Hana needs me. We can’t be doing this. Because once you let out the demon, there’s no going back until one of us falls dead.

You don’t care, do you? You’ve always been the selfish kind. I saw you fight Baker with one arm and put up one heck of a fight. I thought experiences like those would open your mind to being grateful for what you have. And yet, you’re willing to give it all away for one moment under the spotlight. You crave attention. You hate not being the focal point in the world of wrestling anymore. So you go after me thinking that I am vulnerable. Thinking that I am weak. Thinking that I’d just let you ruin my life for the sake of your benefit. No Aren.

Havoc may not be real to you but he was the nightmare that I had to live through for the last three years. I had lost all the people I cared about at this time. I was portrayed as a monster. Knowing that these hands committed heinous acts is a painful reality that I have to live through. And at points, I have thought about giving up. The pain-- The guilt is too much for me to deal with. I don’t want the world to remember me as a monster. That’s not who I am. I wish I could cry myself to sleep but the voices of all the innocent lives he took echo in my head. Sometimes, I wish I could just take a knife and slit my fucking throat. I don’t want to hear these voices anymore. But I fought through these hard times for Hana. I want to be a father one day, just like you. I want to be there for my child. I want to give them the best life possible. I don’t want my child to grow up hating their father because of how the world perceived him. So, forgive me for trying to move past my demons. Forgive me for trying to change my life for the better.

I made a promise to atone for what he did for the rest of my life and I intend on keeping that. So, you can disregard my struggles. You can call it fake. You can label a fraud. I don’t care, Aren. I am not trying to change your mind because that will never happen. You have this preconceived notion about me that you’ll hold on to even after I have kicked your fucking ass at Event Horizon. I know who I am and I don’t need you to tell me that. I don’t need to see the truth that you speak of. Cause if it’s any different than the one I know, it’s not worth my time. It’s not worth the pain. Maybe… Maybe I am Havoc. Maybe I am a monster. But that’s not how I want to live my life anymore. So when I do beat you, all I want is for you to leave me the fuck alone. You and Echo can torment somebody else that would like to play your little games but I don’t have the patience to entertain that. I don’t want to be guilt-free because that will not be right for all the innocent lives and families that Havoc destroyed. I don’t get to forget everything he did and move on while they suffer every day. The guilt is part of my identity now. The guilt reminds me that I can’t ever go back to being that monster again. The guilt is what keeps me sane.

So, I will not be taking you up on that offer. You can twist my words against me for all I care. The Monarch will fall at Event Horizon at MY hands. I don’t need Havoc to beat your fucking ass. You tried to ruin my life, Aren. You crossed a line. And you will pay for it.